


Novelty Idol

by RunaLiore



Series: HinaAya [2]
Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Communication, Cuddling, Depression, Established Relationship, Eventual Fluff, F/F, Light Angst, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 04:38:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15016838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RunaLiore/pseuds/RunaLiore
Summary: Something is wrong with Aya and she's not sure what it could be. She can't stop herself from reading the comments on Pastel*Palettes event announcements, she can't sleep, and she doesn't feel excited and happy the way she usually does. If that was all then maybe she could manage but lately she's been doubting herself even though their concerts have been going so well. Sometimes she's not sure if she's really any good as an idol and now, she's not sure why anyone else would be particularly interested in her either.(Special thanks to Izilen for beta reading, comments, and helping me out with this idea :D)





	Novelty Idol

“Ahaha, that one looks so weird! You're making such a swooshy face.”

Hina leaned over Aya’s shoulder and poked the blurry image on her phone, a selfie that lost focus when Aya tripped and nearly fell over trying to press the shutter. Aya sighed and Hina sank further into her back.

“I can’t believe I only got three good pictures out of all those…” Aya said, scrolling back through to a single clear shot of her standing in a new pose. She could almost feel Hina grinning behind her.

“I know! It’s kind of amazing, you took so many and they all turned out really bad!”

 _That’s not really helping_ , Aya thought, and she deleted a batch of over fifty blurred and out of focus photos all at once. Hina held her shoulders and leaned over again.

“Ah! Why’d you get rid of them? I really liked some of those.”

“The blurry ones?”

Hina grinned again, “Yeah, they’re really bad pictures but they're also very Aya-like.”

Aya exhaled and let her lips curl into a weary smile. “I don’t understand you sometimes.”

“I don’t understand a lot about you, too.” Hina stared into her eyes while she said that as if it were something romantic, as if it was the most natural thing in the world to say to your girlfriend while you were both looking through her selfies. It was definitely natural for Hina, though, and at the time Aya didn’t think it meant very much. She wished she had stopped to talk about things more clearly back then… maybe if they had, they could’ve both been spared from what came after.

 

* * *

 

At around 9:47pm, Aya yawned her way into bed and flopped down against her pillow. At 10:32pm, she was still flipping through her phone, browsing the comments on the latest Pastel*Palettes announcements and the threads on their official twitter. It was a mistake and she knew it. At first she was just looking for the encouraging messages from fans, things like “I was so happy to see you all tonight!” or “Listening to your music has meant so much to me,” or “You’ve been such a huge inspiration to me.” Then she started reading all the comments in between.

There might only be one comment in every ten or twenty to the effect of “Aya’s so overrated,” but something about those stuck with her more firmly than dozens and dozens of messages from grateful fans. She kept reading them like her eyes were caught in some sort of gravity that wouldn’t let her look away.

 

> “Aya-chan’s such an awful singer RIP, that last performance would’ve been better as a Karaoke track.”
> 
> “Honestly Aya is my 5th fav in the band and it’s a distant 5th. Maybe 6th lol.”
> 
> “It’s not like I dislike her but she’s just kind of bland IMO.”
> 
> “Right? I think I got tired of her after their second live.”
> 
> “If Aya-chan were a 1/7 scale figure, I’d already have her up on amiami for resale.”
> 
> “LMAO as if Aya would be a scale, she’s a prize figure AT BEST.”

Once, Hina had seen her scrolling through when she visited after practice. She didn’t really say anything after she found out – she just took Aya’s phone out of her hands and and held her for a while. It was the worst possible thing to do, Aya realized, but she kept reading and she kept trying harder every day to win those fans over. She knew she made mistakes every day during practice and she made mistakes in almost all of their live shows, so when she read things like that… why shouldn’t she believe them?

 

* * *

 

The next day Hina called Aya out to CiRCLE’s café for an ice cream date and even though Aya was a few minutes early, Hina was already there waiting for her. She waved Aya over and took her hand as they fell into place at the back of the café line. She smiled and Hina grinned and started talking about how many different flavors she wanted to try all at once.

Aya was tired, but happy, but also feeling a bit hollowed out and ragged. She kept thinking about the last mistake she made in practice and how she needed to fix it the next time and she knew that wasn’t the best thing to do on a date. She focused on the menu and picked a scoop of pistachio and a scoop of strawberry. Hina picked eight scoops and both Aya and the cashier looked vaguely horrified.

“Hina-chan… you really want to eat all of that?”

Hina already had a spoonful of three different flavors in her mouth by the time Aya asked.

“Yeah, I really like trying all the different combinations you can get here. You want some?”

“Ah, aha,” Aya smiled awkwardly, “I don’t think I can handle that much.”

She watched Hina eat for a while, and it was nice. It was horrifying in a way, but also distracting and that was nice. She didn’t realize how long she’d been staring until Hina leaned down across the table to look her in the eye.

“Aya-chan? Are you okay?”

“Huh?” Aya blinked, “Oh, yeah, I’m fine. I should’ve gotten to sleep earlier last night, I guess.” She laughed weakly and Hina kept on staring.

“Hmmmmmm…” She glanced down at Aya’s ice cream, untouched and slowly melting into soup, “Really?”

Aya was rarely prepared for Hina on a good day, so when Hina climbed all the way across the table to press their foreheads together she nearly fell backwards out of her chair.

“H-Hina! What are you doing?”

“Weird, you don’t feel like you have a fever…” Hina’s eyes narrowed and then she hopped back into her seat, somehow landing perfectly without disturbing either bowl of ice cream. She tilted her head and crossed her arms.

“Usually when you’re low energy like that you have a fever or a cold… Aya-chan, are you feeling bad? Oh! Is it period cramps?”

“No!” Aya shouted louder than she meant and a half dozen people around the plaza stopped to stare at her. She leaned in and lowered her voice.

“No, I’m fine,” She tried to smile and hoped it didn’t look too fake, “I’m just a bit tired today for some reason.”

“Why? It’s only one in the afternoon on a Sunday, how’d you get tired already?”

Hina was still watching her and Aya didn’t know how to respond. That happened a lot. Hina had a sort of tone to her voice that was curious and pressing and concerned and something else all at once, and Aya still wasn’t great at dealing with that. She was also bad at lying so she didn’t, but since she didn’t want to tell the truth that left her with few options.

“I just… didn’t sleep very well.”

“Aya-chan, did – ”

“Hina. Maruyama-san.” A voice crossed the courtyard and Hina stopped mid-sentence to turn and face it. Roselia’s practice time in the studio must have just ended and Aya could see Sayo walking toward them with her guitar on her back. Hina waved her over and Aya put on another smile.

“Sayo-san, Hello.” Aya waved and Sayo nodded to her. Across the table, Hina was already beaming.

“Sayo! Did you just finish practice?”

Sayo nodded again. Aya was almost certain that Sayo could somehow keep all of the muscles in her face completely still at all times. So far she hadn’t seen any evidence to the contrary.

“Are the two of scheduled for practice next?” She asked. Hina just grinned and reached across the table suddenly to hook her arm in Aya’s own.

“Nope! We’re on a date!” She looked incredibly proud of herself and Aya wanted to hide her face.

“H-Hina-chan…!”

Again, Sayo simply nodded. “I see. The Studio is open, should the two of you see fit to turn this into a practice session. Otherwise I hope your afternoon goes well. Hina, I will see you at home. Maruyama-san,”

Aya sat up with a start “Yes!?”

Sayo’s voice softened abruptly. “Thank you for always taking care of Hina. Her personality is incredibly strange and troublesome but I hope you will continue to work with her.”

“Ah, no, that’s,” Aya floundered and finally just bowed her head in return, “I will! Thank you.”

“Well then.” Sayo nodded one last time and turned to leave.

“Aw,” Hina said, leaning back in her chair, “You’re leaving already?”

“I have more practicing to do at home,” Sayo said, never stopping as she walked away, “and don’t stay out too late.”

“Okay~” Hina kicked her feet out and took another bite of ice cream. Aya picked up her spoon and stirred it through a soupy mess of teal and pink.

She was dwelling on things that she didn’t want to consider and she knew it. She was always determined to keep trying and never give up, but lately it felt like she wasn’t getting better no matter how much she practiced. Lately it felt like she was letting her fans down even though their last concert went really well and they’d already sold out their next show. It felt like she was more and more exhausted after every practice and she barely had any energy when she woke up in the mornings. She wasn’t sure what would happen if she couldn’t keep smiling and encouraging everyone. And then there was Hina…

She liked Hina. She liked going on dates with her and hanging out with her after practice and talking with her on LINE. She liked her. But, just at that moment, she couldn’t really understand why. Her whole brain felt murky, like the sort of feeling you might get when you look through a drawer that seems like it should have exactly what you’re looking for only to forget what you wanted in the first place. She felt her hand reach down for her phone again, and then she felt something on her face.

“Aya-chan?” Hina’s hand slid onto Aya’s cheek and she looked concerned. Or curious. Or maybe just confused.  “You never touched your ice cream. You’re not okay, right? Are you? I don’t really know what to do in this kind of situation.”

Aya shook her head out and took a breath. “Sorry,” She closed her eyes and smiled, taking Hina’s hand in her own, “I was kind of spaced out there, wasn’t I? I probably need to rest today more than anything.”

“Oh,” Hina said, relaxing a bit, “Then do you wanna stop by my place? It’s closer than yours and it’s super air conditioned.”

Aya laughed a little. “Yeah,” She stood up and took Hina’s other hand, “Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

The unique and wonderful thing about dating another member of Pastel*Palettes was that neither Hina’s parents nor Aya’s parents ever placed an ounce of suspicion on them when they spent hours on end hanging out in one of their bedrooms with the door closed. It’s not like they had anything terribly illicit to hide, unless you considered kissing and cuddling in pajamas illicit, but it was nice to have the sort of privacy afforded by misplaced confidence.

It was also nice to hang out with Hina in her bedroom, whether they were watching old Marmalade concerts or talking about their last live show or painting each other’s nails, or really just about anything. Even Hina’s teasing was fun, though Aya didn’t like admitting that to herself. She liked spending time with Hina; it was something she knew and something she remembered from all the times she’s been here before... but that night she couldn’t really _feel_ it. As she followed Hina upstairs she hoped it was just her weariness and that lounging around on Hina’s bed watching Ayumi’s old interviews would make her feel better. It didn’t.

 _I don’t know what’s wrong with me…_ She thought as she laid beside Hina, staring blankly at a tablet screen and barely blinking. _I just feel numb… no, I can’t be like this._ She patted her cheeks and then clenched her fists. _I just have to keep trying and make the next show even better._

“Aya-chan?”

Hina noticed her distraction and paused the video. “You made a weird face again. Are you okay?”

“Huh? Oh,” Aya smiled as best she could, “I guess I’m sleepier than I thought.”

“Hmm,” Hina looked closely and then poked Aya’s cheek, “You’ve been getting sleepy really easy lately. Maybe you’ve got some other sort of sick that doesn’t give you a fever?”

Aya’s smile was already cracking. “I don’t think so.”

“Are you sure? Did you eat anything weird?” Hina leaned over and put an ear to Aya’s stomach. Aya nearly jumped.

“Hina! What are you doing?”

She just tilted her head. “I was listening to see how your insides sounded.”

“T-That,” Aya flustered, “Why!?”

“Heehee,” Hina finally smirked and shot Aya a devious glare, “I just wanted to see what you’d do. You jumped up really high.”

Aya grimaced. “I didn’t!”

“It was really cute.”

“Hina… geez.” Aya flopped back onto the bed and hugged a pillow. This was normal, right? They did this sort of thing all the time, where Hina would tease her and Aya would jump or get startled or blush. She usually said something exasperated or weary and then flopped back onto the bed so that Hina didn’t see her smile, but this time she didn’t smile. She was just tired. She hated it.

“Do you want to keep watching?”

“Huh?” Aya took a moment to register Hina’s voice again. She was leaning on her side and staring into Aya’s eyes. Aya was running out of the energy she desperately needed to keep acting awake and interested. She rolled her head aside and said “No,” before she could stop herself.

“Oh? That’s the first time you’ve ever wanted to skip watching one of Ayumi’s videos…” Hina didn’t sound like she was teasing anymore. “You wanna take a nap?”

Aya shook her head.

“Hmm… You aren’t tired and you don’t have a fever and you don’t feel sick,” Hina leaned up on her elbows and perched over Aya, studying her from just a few inches away, “But you’re definitely not doing normal Aya-chan things. Did you mess up during lessons again?”

“I always mess up during lessons.”

Hina laughed, a bit fondly. “That’s true, you mess up all the time. So it’s not that then… hmm…. OH! Is it period cramps?”

Aya turned to face her and then shook her head “No! It’s definitely not that. I’m just… I don’t know, I’m just tired today.”

Hina paused. “But you don’t want to sleep or watch Ayumi videos or talk about the band… hmmm… I don’t know! I have no idea.”

Aya said nothing. She rolled her head away and stared at the wall. After a while she could almost feel Hina staring at her.

“HMMM,” Hina squinted and stared. “I’m trying to imagine this weird way you’re feeling but I don’t really get it… Aya-chan, tell me more about how you feel right now. Are you upset about something?”

“Not really.”

“Are you mad?”

Aya shook her head.

“Are you just bored?”

“Hina, no, I’m not… just,”

“Hm, what about sad? You usually cry when you’re upset or sad but not always so-“

Aya sat up and let her head hang forward.

“Hina, why do you do this…?”

“Huh?” Hina sat up and leaned down to look her in the eye, “I just really want to figure this out. I’ve never seen you act like this before and I’m curious about you, Aya-chan.”

Aya didn’t meet her gaze. “But why?”

“Why?” Hina looked up and pursed her lips, “I’ve told you that lots of times, haven’t I? You’re really interesting, Aya-chan. I really like watching you and I want to try and figure out why you do the things you do since it doesn’t make any sense! And I like –“

“Stop!” Aya clenched the sheets in her fist and twisted them into a knot. “Please, Hina, just stop…”

She was crying, apparently. That may have been the first time Aya realized she was crying only after she heard her tears fall. She started sobbing and Hina touched her back gently.

“Aya…”

Aya shook her head. “Hina, please stop… I’m not something you can just poke and pull apart until you figure it out! I’m not that mysterious or interesting and I don’t—” She choked and it took her a breath to catch her voice again, “I don’t want to just be some novelty you’re going to get tired of…. I’m —I’m sorry, I need to go.”

Aya ran.

“Wait, Aya-chan!”

Hina called out after her as she left, but by the time Hina got to the hall Aya was already in the entryway and she was gone before Hina could stop her. She could outrun Aya easily. She knew that much. She could catch up to her easily and they could talk and maybe she could find out why Aya was crying, but she didn’t. Standing at the end of the hall and staring at the door, Hina hesitated and then, slowly folding in on herself like a sail that lost its wind, she sat with her arms around her knees and buried her face in her sleeves.

 

* * *

 

Aya woke up at around 3:42 the next morning. As most people were at 3:42am, she was full of misery and regret. The misery and annoyance at the early hour soon faded into a gross knot in her stomach and a tangle of thoughts she couldn’t sort out. She squeezed her pillow and screamed into it.

“AH! I hate this! Why did I say that…” she let her head hit the mattress and she sighed. She barely got an hour of sleep in between tossing around and curling in on herself through the night. As she turned over on her back, she let out a wry laugh.

“…I’m such a useless Idol, aren’t I?” She turned over and tried to sort out her thoughts. It felt like she was fighting against herself the entire time.

_I shouldn’t have said those things to Hina… I didn’t mean it…_

_But it’s true right? Hina gets interested in things suddenly and then gets bored of them suddenly. It was probably the same with me._

_No, that’s not… I don’t think that’s right…_

_It’s probably true._

_Even so I… I really like Hina. I just. I really like her._

_It’s better this way though, right?_

_I just really like being around her and she’s always so excited about everything… I like hearing her talk about stars and I like the way she always reaches out for my hand first,_

_She just pokes me a lot to see how I’ll react though…_

_I kind of like it when she teases me though. It’s weird, but when she does it, it doesn’t feel mean at all. I like it when we can put that into our MC on stage too._

_It was kind of one-sided though wasn’t it? Hina was just being curious and I…_

_I really like the way she laughs, and I love the way she plays guitar, and I love the silly things she’s always sending me on LINE, and I love… I love…_

_I love her? I… I love her. Yeah. I do._

_So why do I feel so bad right now?_

Aya didn’t get any closer to making sense of things. She hugged her pillow tighter and unlocked her phone. She wasn’t sure if the comments were any worse than usual that night, but by morning she only remembered the worst of them.

 

* * *

 

Monday morning came a bit more kindly and Aya felt a bit better. She felt okay while she was getting ready and she managed to get to her first class on-time, and she even greeted all of her classmates with her usual smile. That lasted an hour. By the end of the day, she couldn’t even pretend to be feeling okay anymore and she just slumped over and stared at her phone. She left it locked to keep herself from reading more comments, but she also wasn’t letting go of it. After a few minutes of vacant glaring, she set the phone down on her desk and it immediately buzzed loud enough to stop three conversations around the room. Aya covered the phone with her hands at once.

“Aha… sorry.”

The room carried on and Aya exhaled. She opened her phone.

1 new message, from: Hikawa Hina

            “Aya-chan <3 Are you busy tonight? Can you meet me up on the hilltop over the park? The one across the street from CiRCLE?”

She said yes, and after she’d said that she couldn’t entirely explain why she’d agreed. She wanted to see Hina, yes, but also she still felt weird and uneasy after what she said the last time they were together, but then she also regretted that too. She sighed. There wasn’t enough energy in her brain or her body left to fight anymore and now all she really knew was that she wanted to go talk to Hina, so she was going to go talk to Hina. It was probably the strangest she’d felt in days – a level of exhaustion so extreme she didn’t even really feel tired or drained or upset anymore. She packed up her school bag and waited for sunset.

 

* * *

 

That evening, Aya climbed the small hill behind the park just as the sun was going down. She found Hina sitting there in front of a telescope, crouched on a blanket spread over the grass. She smiled and waved as soon as she heard Aya approach.

“Hey.”

Aya smiled slightly. “Hi.”

The sky was patchy with clouds and the Moon was just a bit too bright to see most of the stars around them, but there were enough. Hina adjusted the telescope a bit and then sat back with her legs crossed and her hands in her lap.

“Um, Aya-chan…” She looked up and her eyes were earnest. “I’m sorry for before.”

“No! It’s ok!” Aya clutched a fist against her chest and sat down next to Hina, “I mean, I don’t know if I’m ok, but I don’t think you did anything wrong.”

Hina just smiled and shook her head. “Ah, no, I was thinking about it a lot after you left. I didn’t really think about how it might seem to you since I’m always getting curious about other things I see, so I think I really needed to say it better. It’s kind of hard though!” She looked up at the gaps in the clouds and leaned back on her hands, “I’m not really good at that sort of stuff and it’s really hard to get it right, but I really want to say it properly.”

“W-wait,” Aya took a deep breath and smoothed her skirt out, “First, I want… no, I need to tell you something. I probably should have told you earlier…” Her face fell and she glanced away. Just out of her line of sight, Hina reached over toward her hand and then stopped short of touching her fingertips. Aya looked back up at the stars and closed her eyes for a moment.

“Lately,” she said, “I just keep thinking about things that make me upset and I can’t seem to make it stop. I’ve been reading through all the comments on our posts too, and – ”

“Ah!” Hina scowled immediately, “Don’t read those! Me and Eve are going to go fight all those people and make them apologize first, then you can read them after.”

Aya blinked and then she let out the smallest part of a laugh. Hina just looked so serious and determined… Aya felt silly and she wasn’t sure why.

“You probably shouldn’t fight them… but thanks.” Aya looked away again, “I think at first I wanted to see the messages from fans who enjoyed our shows, but then at some point I just started seeing all of the awful things instead… and then I always want to read more comments hoping I’ll find something encouraging but none of the encouraging ones seem to make me feel any better.” She could feel the mist on her eyes and she slumped over, leaning on one arm for support.

“Then sometimes everything just stops making me feel better and I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore… I’ve got to keep going so I can be a great idol, right? It’s what I’ve always wanted… but then all of a sudden I just felt so hopeless even though things have been going pretty well.” She smiled through a tear and she caught herself laughing. It was tired and brittle like glass. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

The clouds opened just enough to let the moonlight through and Hina reached over to hold Aya against her chest. She just waited there while Aya cried and she stroked her hair, and then after a while she swept Aya’s bangs away and kissed her forehead.

“You’re like the stars for me, Aya-chan.”

“What?” Aya looked up and found Hina smiling wide, staring at a constellation Aya didn’t recognize, one that Hina must have known by heart.

“I don’t think I ever told you, so I probably need to – Aya, you’re really beautiful and sparkling and you always work really hard to be a really amazing shining thing, and I feel like – yeah, like you’re the center point of a constellation.”

Hina raised a hand and pointed up at a star just south of Vega. “You’re like a star that connects other stars all together, even if they’re on completely different sides of the galaxy and they’re completely different kinds of stars! It’s amazing…

“Hina…”

“Ah,” Hina grinned and laughed a bit, “I’m still not really explaining it right I think. What I mean is, there’s no way I’ll ever stop being interested in you, Aya-chan. Even if I could understand you completely, you’re like the center star and I want to be part of your constellation.”

“That –” Aya tried to respond but her voice caught in her throat. She just kept staring at Hina’s eyes and the stars she saw there.

“I don’t know what I can do to help really,” Hina said, “and I don’t know if I’ll be able to understand how you feel right now, but I think you’re perfect the way you are. Messing up like you do and still carrying on is perfect for you. I mean, that’s what makes you so boppin’ and awesome, right?”

Aya tried to swallow the lump in her throat and instead another formed in her chest. She was still numb, still feeling tired and drained, but she was also happy. It was different than the normal kind of happy she felt, but it was there and it was real and she wanted to hold on to it. She cried and she felt her lip quiver and Hina looked at her like she was made of brilliance.

“You wanted to be an idol who gives people dreams, right Aya-chan?” Hina swallowed and the corners of her eyes glistened with tears, “I think you’ve done that already for at least a few people so far. One of my dreams now is that in five years… no, in ten years, or even twenty years, I can still watch you sparkle. Eheh… I hope that makes sense, if it doesn’t I’m really not sure how else to talk about these sort of feelings.”

Hina smiled for just a breath before Aya tackled her to the ground, wrapping her arms around Hina’s waist and crying into her jacket.

“Hina! Hina… you’re so…”

“Did I do something wrong?” Hina held Aya’s shoulders and Aya shook her head.

“No… Thank you, Hina. Thank you. I’m really glad…”

Hina was quiet for a few seconds and then she finally said, “Yeah, me too,” and she pulled Aya closer.

 

* * *

 

The hours they spent on that hilltop didn’t fix things all at once. Aya still felt numb and had trouble waking up most days. She still had to talk herself out of reading comments and thinking bad things about how well she was doing or how much people cared about her. Hina still wasn’t exactly the best at communicating things, either. But while they were leaning on each other that night, looking at Hina’s favorite constellations as she helped Aya pick out a favorite star, they wanted to believe they could make it through this. They felt like it all might be alright after all. In time, it was.

  


**Author's Note:**

> So this fic started out with a mostly innocent premise: "What if Aya worried that Hina was only interested in her as a curiosity?" I liked that premise because it flows naturally from the conversations they have in the band story and card episodes and on top of that, it gives Hina an extra push to explain why she likes Aya more directly.
> 
> Somehow this mostly harmless idea turned into "What if Aya had Depression and it was Real Bad?" I kept thinking about my own experience with bad brain spirals especially related to feeling like you're a failure and can't even do the one thing you're supposed to be really good at, and that kind of reminded me a bit of Aya's character arc in a couple of ways so I wanted to explore that possibility further. 
> 
> As an apology I'm also posting another, completely happy more lighthearted Hina/Aya fic right after this one.
> 
> Also I want to thank the wonderful Izilen again for her comments and beta reading for this fic!


End file.
